You guys, I was determined to have a really cute Christmas this year. Normally it's hard for me to get into Christmas, because I work retail. And you know how that can ruin holidays. But I got my apartment set up nice, and being low on cash this year, I decided to DIY what I could to get into the spirit. I thought, What better way to do that than have some live greenery in here? Of course, I have no room for a whole tree, but a branch or two, yes. I got excited about the prospect of selecting a few branches from my parents' property in the country when I went to visit for Thanksgiving.
It was a brisk misty morning when I went out with my dad, the day after Thanksgiving. He dug up the saw, and we treaded across the lawn. He showed me where he thought I might have the best luck finding good branches. In fact, there were a few hanging low in front of his shed. "You'd be doing me a favor if you'd take something from here. Look, it even has pinecones!" he said. We took turns sawing at one of the boughs until it was released from the tree. It was indeed charming, with its scattered pinecones. I was feeling the spirit already.
We chose a few more branches, and I threw them all in my trunk. I bid farewell to my family, and trekked back home to my humble abode. As soon as I made it in the door, I was overcome with excitement, and began pruning my branches and decorating right away. Wow, it came together even better than I expected. I ended up rearranging one area of my living room for that one special branch. This will be the one I put my best ornaments on, I thought to myself. My great aunt Dody, year after year, handmade beautiful felt ornaments for our family members. I had a small collection to myself, and they looked darling on that rustic pine bough. I sat back and surveyed my work. Perfect!
After a few weeks of enjoying my decor passed, I noticed my branch looking wilted. I suppose it was time to water it, so I took a closer gander to inspect the damage. Well, I guess I hadn't looked that closely at it in a while, because I hadn't noticed that the damn thing was infested with FREAKING SPIDERS. It was like a spider apocalypse, there were dead spider bodies EVERYWHERE!! Hanging off the branches, ALL OVER the freaking shelf, on all my things, in freaking PILES on the floor. OH. MY. GOD.
I stepped back and let a few waves of disgust, skeeved-out-ness, embarrassment, and girly heebie jeebies wash over me while I tried to think about what to do. I begged my friend Amy for help, on the internet. "WHAT DO I DO?? I think some of them are still alive, oh god, it's so gross, noooooo... AHHHH!!!" Finally, it just came down to me donning a pair of rubber gloves and taking care of biznass.
Of course, the thing was the perfect unwieldy shape so that it banged on everything and scattered pine needles and spider carcasses all over the place when I tried to remove it to my side porch. Out in the 25 degree weather, I could see that all of the spiders were in fact dead, and learned that rubber gloves are NOT WARM AT ALL. I carefully removed all of my aunt's beautiful heirloom ornaments, also noticing that there was SAP on a lot of them now as well. At least the dead spiders that were on them turned to filmy grey powder when touched!
I threw the whole damn branch over the rail when I was done, put all the tchotchkes from my shelf into my bathtub, and then scrubbed down the entire corner of my living room. I thought about microwaving my ornaments too, that's how creeped out I am. And the only thing I can figure is that there must have been a spider nest in one of those pinecones. THAT'S WHAT I GET FOR TRYING TO BE CUTE. Maybe I'll still do a DIY Christmas next year, but this time if I have some sort of tree-like thing, it will be handmade, by me!!
GOOD RIDDANCE.
